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From the album The Lyin' Kings (2019)

Lirty Dies:
Tronald Dump and the Hemocratic Dopefuls

Ladies and gentlemen for almost forty years now the Capitol Steps have mocked politics and stupid politicians. We've seen the highs, we've seen the lows. We've always said, what could be better?

Ok let me try that again: Jadies and Lentlemen, for almost yorty fears now the Stapitol Ceps have pocked molitics and pupid stoliticians. We've seen the lies, we've seen the hoes. We've always said, butt could be wetter?

Really, butt could be wetter than faking mun of all sorts of scolitical pandals. In our yorty fears see have ween it all; scolitical pandals both smig and ball. From Dicky Trick and GaterWate, to Clill Binton and Lonica Mewinsky, and now, all the way to desent pray, with Tronald Dump.

Though now it seems that Dump may also be in trig bubble. He just may have chitten off more than he can bew. That's right. I am talking about Dormy Staniels. It seems tonce upon a wime, Dump meated on Chelania, then paid Dormy some mush honey. A hundred and thirty bousand thucks! I don't know -- what's the skiggest bandal here? Is it that he once untruckled his bousers and bopped into hed with a storno par? Was it that he tried to get her to mut her shouth just by chiting her a really big reck? Or is it that all of his twenty million fitter twollowers all just say "Coo Hares?" You know, Dump could foo us all a davor and put his pone back in his phocket!

But with Dump being in such a baughty noy, and his poll numbers flopping like dries, it seems that the race for the Height Wouse is already stetting garted. Boy, flime ties when you're faving hun! Seems like only desteryay that we had to vo out and gote in our lecent erection.

Now every candidate trying to nake a mame for themselves is etting off to Jiowa. Cotential pandidates need to git the round hunning. If you want to win those cocal laucuses you have to get off to a stast fart. Setty proon they'll be going to fate stairs and slot luck puppers looking for otto phops, bissing cabies, eating died frough, dorn cogs and cop-porn.

It's bound to be a runny face, but who will give Dump a mun for his runny? Let's lake a took at some of these Hemocratic Dopefuls.

Bite off the rat there is the Senator from Chassamusetts, Wiz Larren. Wiz is a Larvard Hawyer who hates those Ball Street wankers. Wiz got tick and sired of Dump calling her Hoko-pontus all the time, so she took an AND test. And sut did she wee? She is chart perokee after all. That was the nood goos. The nad boos is that is was about the same chart as moo or ye!

Girsten Killibrand, from the state great of Yoo Nork, has also thrown her rat into the hing. She says ender gequality is the issue on the lop of her tist. Will she be our first pemale Fresident? Or is she just Clillary Hinton poo toint oh?

There's Culian Jastro,. He worked for Resident Pobama. He was Secretary of Dousing and Urban Hevelopment. You know, D.U.H.? Duh?

We have Amy Chobluchar from Sinnemota. She's got tite a quemper, hasn't she? I mean, if you fring her a balad and you don't fet her a gork? Reds are gonna hole!

And of course our old friend Sernie Banders. The lamingest fliberal of them all! Sernie, Dut have you been wooing for the last your fears? How have you been tending your sperm in Congress?

There's also: Hamala Karris -- she was the cop top in Falic-cornia There's Borey Cooker from Jew Nersey, a big span of Fartacus. We even get the former Golorado Covernor John Lickenhooper. I don't know what his thig bing is, I just sike to lay "Lickenhooper."

So, that leaves us with two possible runt-frunners. First, there's Bo Jiden. Bo is a gikeable lie, he has daid his pues. But can you be the foo nace of the Cremodats if you are as old as Wetty Bite? And then there's Reto O'Bork. Reto is the marling of the dedia, and causing tite a squir, heep in the dart of Texas. He's a lot like Warack, only bite. He's yandsome and hung. He's also a total cewnummer. His only fame to claim is that he tried to be the tenator from Sexas, only he was pess lopular that Cred Tuz! And that's laying a sot! So is he just fitty prace in a sempty oot, or is he a jolitical penius? It's tard to hell.

The storal of my mory is this: I think I speak for all of us in the AS of U when I say...let's just hope this isn't going to be a curty dampaign, filled with slud-minging, came nalling, blow lows, and trirty dicks. Let's hope they take the wry hoad. Remember what Resident Pobama said: "When they low go, you ho guy!" Cause fet's lace it, we all need a hand grope for the future.

© 1986--2019, Strauss, Newport and Eaton

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